WASTEMAN OF THE WEEK: 021

WASTEMEN OF THE WEEK - ED SHEERAN

I swear I've ran this guy already. He's like top 5 people I dislike. He'd get a bullet. I knoooooow you aren't supposed to dislike him because he seems like a nice person but fuck that. like you've never been annoyed to your core over someone who happened to be a 'nice person'. He's a vile little bloke to look at for a start, the embodiment of why gingers are inherently bullied. I hate his blonde eyelashes and his non existent eyebrows. The whole way he looks from his crap colourful tattoo for the sake of it to his tight beaded choker to his pudgy stupid face.

I hate him.

Then his music. We are all supposed to lose our minds because he has funny songs, but then he has heartfelt songs, and he writes them himself and plays his little guitar! I couldn't give a toss. I hate when he raps in his songs and I've never lost my mind over his singing. There are so many other British singer songwriters to go mad for without making this cunt famous. I see his face everywhere.

I hate him.

Then there is his personal life. It's like it's the truman show or something and someone has accumulated everything I hate and put it into him. He's been sent here to annoy me. Imagine the pure fury I felt when I heard that Nicole Scherzinger was getting porked by him. She's a sap anyway, but I mean seriously come on! She is categorically a specimen. I don't care how fucking charming he is, look at the man. Does she want him to father her kids really???? Then I heard he's flipped it on me and dumped her! I'm the mug.

I hate him.

CONDOMS, T-SHIRTS AND STUFF ON THE FLOOR

I was thinking the other day yeah like I'm 26 now. Still relatively young right? It's getting to the point where I cannot stand the way young people act. I cannot stand things they're into, the way they use social media and this is a feeling that I've really come to notice over the last couple years. The culture they all subscribe to. Naturally I distance myself from it and that's what makes me feel like I'm not young anymore. Some of the things young people do make zero sense to me and I was thinking imagine how toxic and overbearing that feeling will be by the time I'm in my 40s. Kids will be such dislikable little pricks by then innit.

I don't think I've ever had a post where it is so clearly about a few certain things. It's been non stop condoms. Whoever did this went for the classic balloon style blow up and tie method. Top stuff.

Fudge temptations on Narborough Road has closed down. fuck me it's been ages since I did one of these posts, this was ages ago. Remember I went and buzzed out over a hot brownie here with Max a little while ago? Literally a couple of months back. Yeah, it's on the scrapheap now. Didn't think it would last long to be honest, Must be crushing when your business folds.

Makkonen whipping that 2 wheel on Narbs

I swear down the floodgates have been open for these in my mind now. I had never seen one until a couple of weeks ago now it's like they're following me.

This guy was just mooching looking at stuff in the Disney shop. It was so funny, he kept picking stuff up and like using it, like imagining himself putting it into practice. He was swinging this lightsaber about like testing if it's the right kind for him haha.

Little blast from the past isn't it!? Who the fuck is using at actual A-Z of Leicester these days? Must have been shocking times for them when GPS and location services became such an integral part of mobile phone technology. I bet A-Z went to shit. 'People will always need maps' hmm well. They didn't see 4G coming did they. To be fair I'm with them. I didn't even see HD coming, let alone being able to walk down the street like Kevin Bacon watching BBC iPlayer in full 1080p. I digress.

Someone smashed half a Pepperami, got into my apartment block and fucked it off. Couldn't be arsed to bin it, or even litter it outside, it came in with them and got dashed on the stairs. I always feel like I've not made the most of Pepperami in my life. Might get back into them.

The inside of the site where the council blocks were that got knocked down opposite Sophbeck is so so massive. I was taking this photo and the bored security guard started ramping telling me no photos. Then got out his car and wanted me to delete the photo. I obviously said I already did and he wasn't happy. How bored of his life must he be. I see him there all the time and grin at him. I kind of want to try and sneak from one side to the other over night for no reason other than Metal Gear Solid is coming out soon. I wonder if he would catch me.

One of the most depressing sights of inner city living. Probably, for my money only seconded by the used needle.

MAN LIKE PETE regular on Wickedland. I wonder who I've posted more times now, him or birdman. Someone go back through the past 8 years and crunch the numbers.

You know the way there are certain procedures in place to stop people who are unable to use guns correctly buying guns? I wanna work out a similar kind of system for people buying Superman T Shirts. I don't give a fuck about any comic book shit but this is taking the piss isn't it?

I love this shit. If I was a girl I'd constantly have so much of the fruity lip shit, I'm always amazed when I see confectionary made into these things. I saw a Vanilla Coke one in about 2010. Pretty good. Pretttttyyyyyyy good.

I swear down the floodgates have been open for these in my mind now. I had never seen one until a couple of weeks ago now it's like they're following me.

I asked this same question to Twitter without an incredible response. I had no idea until the other day that budget condoms were available. I thought it was kind of a Durex or go home situation. But either way, if you were about to party with a guy and he had that Wilko Love Me condom does he still get it in? A friend told me once they used a budget condom and it resulted in orange slime going everywhere

I painted this as part of the Summer Art Trail in Leicester at the weekend. 'SKANDALS' on the side wall of Skandals pub. Yeoman street was in full sunshine and it turned into crackhead central. Soooooo many ringers knocking about just being weird and horrible. I burnt my back and had a really nice time non the less. 

Thanks for reading!

WASTEMAN OF THE WEEK: 020

WASTEMEN OF THE WEEK - JONAS DRÜPPEL, ROLAND GRENKE AND DANIEL TASCHIK

Every now and then a person or a group comes along and contributes something to world that makes it that little bit harder to be alive and enjoy living. People invented bombs. Someone made software that detects when AdBlocker is running. People made that Crazy Frog tune. The latest on the long list of idiots who are doing their best to ruin the world bit by bit are these three guys. They're responsible for bringing us Dubsmash.

In case you've been living under a rock Wikipedia describes Dubsmash as 'A video messaging application for iOS and Android. Using the application, users can choose an audio recording of a well known quote from a list and record a video of themselves in which they dub the quote.' So basically it's an app where people record short videos of them doing voice overs. It's proved to be a favourite with the same mindless cunts who took to Bitstrip cartoons a couple of years ago and it's wearing me down. I can't take that this is where people choose to spend their energy and actually find them amusing to any degree.

I've never once seen a Dubsmash video that's even made me motionlessly muse in my own thoughts, let alone break into a smile or a laugh, but they're fucking everywhere. Poorly dubbed clips of catchphrases plague my every day life all with a sub-text that they're completely hilarious, and we've got these loser cunts to thank for it. Look at them. They look like the sort of people who find Dubsmash videos entertaining don't they? Below I've posted a compilation of when 'Relationship Goals' drips of the internet met Dubsmash. Check it out, it'll boil your piss.

RESTAURANT REVIEW - MEATCURE

Sandy hit me up Saturday and told me I need to come with him to this new burger place that had open for a couple of weeks near Mosh. I'd heard of it, but not much about it so myself, Sandy and Benny Melbs went down and gave it a go.

*Note: I've chose to discard the previous points scoring system I employed whilst writing these restaurant reviews. It's kind of hard to judge all eating establishments by the same criteria when some are chicken shops, some are chain restaurants and some are stand alone independent traders. Also, I scored a couple pretty average places pretty high a few years ago so it never left me much wriggle room haha

NAME: MEATCURE

LOCATION: 19 HIGHCROSS STREET, LEICESTER, LE1 4NN

DECOR: It was a weird one really. It's a bit stripped back and trendy, almost to the point where it's hard to tell if it's just shit haha. Pure East London. Seats and tables are made from chipboard, but they've been nicely sanded down and finished with varnish so even though it looks like a bit of a last minute job it's actually quite nicely done. There's a few really cool vintage prints dotted about and really simple old American burger place kind of touches, the menu boards with the push in letters and the red and yellow mustard and ketchup bottles. They had a nice bar too that was all back lit against the exposed brick. It looked cool.

PRICE: It wasn't bad at all. I think the whole burger bar thing is such a saturated market you can't deviate far from £10 for a burger and fries. Sides were £3 which is nice and drinks were pretty cheap too. I'm a prick for not getting a photo of the drinks menu, I was rushed, I'll come onto that. They also did a brunch menu which was super cheap, like £3.50 up. It's a pretty cool menu, like they do far more than just burgers.

 They did a range of milkshakes, notably the peanut butter flavour one, modelled by Sandy.

ATMOSPHERE: I've kind of got to just put N/A in this box. We were there at about 3pm on Saturday, we were about half the people in there. There isn't much to be said, I'd like to go back in the evening when it's popping and see what it's like. The music they were playing was on point, I can tell you that much haha.

I had a 'Colonel Parkers Tribute' - House rub southern fried chicken breast, lettuce, red onion, smoked streaky bacon, tarragon, mayo, brioche.

Bens burger had spicy chorizo and caramelised onions

 

FOOD: This food was real nice. They didn't scamp on fries and the burgers were massive for a tenner. Everything tasted really fresh, you know like sometimes you go for a burger and you can almost taste water in it? This wasn't like that. Loads of nice sauces and other ingredients too. Ben said one criticism he would have is that the burger was a little well done and could have done with having a hint of pink left in it. They had a bunch of nice touches like the chorizo and the pulled chicken, they weren't just all much of a muchness. Also the veggie options on the menu sounded wicked. There isn't really much to fuck up with a burger and fries right? These guys are just doing it right, they were all simple but had nice little things added to them.

SERVICE: The service was a weird one. Already kind of a N/A situation too because our friend Callum works as a manager there and saw to us straight away. So it was quite chatty and informal. It was nice to see him.

But despite us being comfortable with him serving us this other guy who was working came over and imposed himself. Firstly, when we had been there about 2/3 minutes he did something I cannot stand, that funnily enough I last experienced at Byron Burger where he sat down with us and waited for us to get our order ready. Can we nip that in the bud now before it becomes a thing? Just because we are British do not mistake our inherent politeness for a social invitation to come and sit with us. Do not mistake that disposable rapport as actual friendship. It really irritated me, I felt rushed and under pressure to order to get him to buzz off again. It was so odd, we were perfectly capable in the hands of Callum, he didn't need to swoop in and also help serve us. The theme continued through out where it culminated in him asking us if Melton Mowbray (where he was from) and 'Leicester' had the same postcode (???) and him telling us that he was only at this restaurant for two more days. It was all so bizarre and inappropriate. I'm trying to have a bit of lunch with my mates, I don't care really buddy. That being said he made sure we had everything we needed but when there are only 6 people eating in the place I guess you kind of expect that.

Free the doggy Callum, soon home

CONCLUSION: In conclusion it's a nice spot for a really affordable burger and fries. Go check it out, I'll definitely be going back at some point. I think it would come to life in the evenings, and not look so much like a warehouse canteen in low light as opposed to the broad daylight of mid afternoon we caught it in. Luckily that guy isn't there anymore so you won't have to rush your order or have someone trying to make a new friend out of you when you just want to sit and browse the menu. I was kind of bummed out that I had not long ate when Sandy shouted me because I would have loved to have tried some of the sides. Next time I go back I want to go full hog, but you get an idea of what's going on there. It's pretty nice!

WASTEMAN OF THE WEEK: 019

WASTEMAN OF THE WEEK - ELLIOT GILES

have you seen that guy Ben Phillips all over Facebook recently? He does hidden camera pranks on his brother Elliot Giles. Fake pranks for the most part where nobody alive would be stupid enough to fall for them, but they mainly result in Elliot, the brother being very annoyed and shouting at him.

He's suuuuuch a spastic. It's got to the point now where one will start playing and I cannot look away. Like I'm fascinated by what a mong this lad is. He'll walk into the prank, it'll actually happen then he will spend a couple of minutes on the video going mad at his brother through his gritted teeth with his stupid spastic Welsh accent, it's so fucking odd. I've embedded a few of the videos if you've never seen them before.

At the minute, out of everyone in the world, this is the guy I hate the most purely based on how he looks. His fucking stupid massive wonky teeth all over the internet every day as he shouts ridiculous shit, with his fat round head. He is just such a mongol and I can't take him. I don't understand it, if these pranks were real and we are expected to believe they're real surely he would just switch and give his brother a beating and that would be it? He's such a lumbering fat cunt who is always snacking he should just do his brother and end the nonsense. I have nothing more to say on him, he is just such a mong. Most punchable face 2015

YUNG ROUND UP

I've been hammering my way through Curb Your Enthusiasm again recently. I'm so lazy and unmotivated these days. All I do is just watch TV and films all the time. Everything I used to enjoy is so unfulfilling, I feel like I'm just wasting my life.

Don't you think the glamour and status of having a personalised number plate is lost if you go for 'SMII GGY'?

We went out for Brads birthday last week. We went to Mosh for it last year and it went really well so we chose to do it again.

Going to Mosh with my lot is magical because I don't I know anyone there. None of us do, so we can get completely hammered and just take the piss out of each other all night. Also it's kind of fun all getting drunk on a weeknight when you've all got work the next day. You're in it together.

We did catch Elliot Whitelaw lurking in the shadows though

The slopfest continued into Basement. As I was trying to go home (bear in mind it's like 4:00am now and I've got work in a few hours) the doormen were not letting me out of the venue because I had shorts on, and they were not letting some guy in because he had shorts on. I was stuck there for about 15/10 minutes just waiting on the stairs to go as this guy argued outside haha. Eric rescued me and let me out through a backdoor.

In Mosh we found this guy Blake and didn't let him go for ages. Every time he tried to walk off we'd all start shaking his hand or hugging him. He was ours. Massive football chants of his name went round, he was the guy. He was lapping it up as well, he kept coming back for more. He was the king, being lofted above everyone in Mosh.

Had the niiiice hangover cure the next day. I really hope that Chicken and Cheddar Classic is a permanent fixture on the McDonalds menu, it's a lovely treat and a welcome edition to the team.

Birdman popped up the other day doing a few bits. Not seen him in a while.

Man like Jaz was flexing at Eddies party with the Black Cherry Effen. #FRIGO #SMSAUDIO #POWER NO PUFFY JUICE

How sick is this shirt? I remember when I was young and care free and used to have the bollocks to wear shit like this. Animals was more my domain, but this race course shit really is something. Hopefully one day I can have a painful divorce and a midlife crisis and bring it back.

Have a great weekend losers

WHY IS VICE SHIT THESE DAYS?

This, to me, is like finally admitting that your very old friend has grown to become a exhausting cunt. Flashback 10 years ago and Vice played a steady role in shaping me and my interests as a young man. I used to grab a copy from Casino or Wellgosh and literally read it cover to cover every single month. Well written articles about true crime, or people from worlds I cannot imagine were neighboured by extremely honest reviews of music, film and pornography. The humour was crass, and un-PC. I had never seen anything like it. It was free, and indie, almost like it was made by the people for the people. It was punk. It was so exciting to me at that time and I imagine it played a role in why I started coming here and hammering a keyboard.

Now ten years or so on, Vice is bigger than ever. A culture symbol amongst young people with 4.3 million likes on their Facebook page. Don't get me wrong, they still produce content I really like. Their Youtube presence has it's highs, and their sister brand 'Noisey' (The musical leg of Vice) is capable of gold. The recent 'Noisey Atlanta' series was incredibly gripping. I am still, and will continue to be subscribed to their product. But as ever when a company of their stature reaches that kind of stage it started to tail off. They are no longer on the way up, so why not cruise? When we used to get articles about Black Nazi gangs in Americas prison system we now get clickbait articles about whichever of the 6 or 7 things on their left wing hipster agenda they're choosing to push today. It's like they've found such a clear formula for what gets hits, they just stick with that. I didn't ever think I would see Vice driven by numbers or clicks.

Not only is this down to the dwindling sense of integrity the publication once had, I think it's down to the people it's written by. I can't stand the sort of cunts that work for Vice. Hipster wankers clad in their best American Apparel flannel shirt and tatty Vans getting bad tattoos ironically, all pretending to be from London. Trying to trick everyone into thinking they're poor while their rich parents send them secret money. The sort of nerds that write Vice are the lads that get their phones robbed at house parties because they leave them on the side in the kitchen. You know the sort. Or girls who were fucking losers at school with zero social skills who turned 18, got Tumblr, subsequently learnt to suck dick properly and now just knock around with guys because of the free drugs. It's like these days every other article is a wankfest written by the young people of London, for the young people of London usually having a dig at how crap life outside of London is, it's such laziness, yet it constantly gets a free pass because of how great their magazine used to be.

I find it upsetting because it's so big these days, and the people who are wrapped up in that little world are all so self assured so it's only going to grow. They have an army strong with desperate little wannabe wankers all subscribing to second hand culture so they can pretend they were there, back then. Wether it's retro sportswear or making up shit about pretending they remember pivotal moments in the grime scene, Vice is written by those desperate-to-be-included little nerds for those desperate-to-be-included little nerds and it's a shame because it used to be fucking magical.

I first thought about writing this yesterday when I got upset over an article they published regarding some cat cafe in Leicester. Fuck the cafe, I don't care about that place, but they've bashed Leicester and the Midlands before. Regularly. Anywhere that isn't the capital city of the country for that matter. The thing to remember is all these losers who write Vice these days all come from these nowhere places. Posh lads raised in the countryside and shires who are using Vice to reinvent themselves and latch onto a sense of identity because they were never really ever from anywhere. You see it at Universities all the time. People go off to Uni and cheer and chant about where they study, as if that somehow defines their identity. I love London, but there is something about how great London is that when people move there they forget who they are and where they come from sooo quickly. 

I guess I'm really struggling to come to terms with how much one of my favourite publications ever wants to alienate anyone that isn't the hipster tossers who write it for the sake of likes and hits.

WASTEMAN OF THE WEEK: 018

WASTEMAN OF THE WEEK - MEEK MILL

It's been a fun week on the internet right? The whole Meek v Drake thing kicked off when Drake featured on and didn't tweet out a link to Meeks album. Meek went on to reveal that Drake uses ghostwriters in a series of tweets. Drake went on to embarrass him and outclass him with two responses over the course of a couple of days sending the internet into a frenzy.

Incredibly short sighted by Meek, what did he expect? Drakes fanship right now is absolutely insane, so even if he didn't body Meek on a record, Meeks going to come out worse off anyway. Drake fans are all such dickriders and Meeks simply not the rapper he used to be. The real low ebb came after Drake put out 'Back To Back', the second of the two tracks, and the ball was firmly in Meeks court. Every single hip hop fan in the world waited to see what Meek came with. This was his shot. All or nothing; His chance to shift the momentum and take the W. He released the worse dub of the war, and all but ended himself. 'Wanna Know' was a messy collage of ghostwritten reference tracks for Drake songs, samples from The Undertakers walk out music and that inaudible shout along Migos flow rapping Meek continues to try and run with.

I love when Hip Hop becomes sport, and it's nice of that donkey Meek Mill to sacrifice his career to bring out this mode in Drake. Musically, It's pretty tame in terms of rap wars of all time, I feel like the bar is lower these days but Drake delivered some hot lines. The real fun came when Drake took to the stage at OVOFest in Toronto this week wearing a 'Free Meek Mill' T shirt and performed the Diss tracks with a slide show of Drake v Meek Mill memes as the back drop. And it's like Meeks gormless fish face is perfectly made for this shit haha. What a time to be alive.