LAST NIGHT'S FILM: DAVID BRENT: LIFE ON THE ROAD [2016]

David Brent: Life On The Road [2016]

So last night I finally sat down and got around to watching David Brent: life on the Road. I’ve been putting it off, it felt almost like that feeling of having to send a text you don’t want to, but you know you’ve got to sooner or later. I did my best to go into it with an open mind. Ricky Gervais is one of my favourite all time content providers, but his feature lengths have always been sub par. As has his treatment of The Office since the final episode in December 2003. After a series of webisodes teaching viewers how to play the guitar (?) a few years back it seemed he had turned back on his original claims of laying it The Office to rest. It’s safe to say I wasn’t expecting much but did my best to go into it without expectations or preconceived notions. A friend of mine who will remain unnamed prompted me to watch it the day before I did promising me it was actually good despite the reviews. I wanted it to be good as I sat down.

It was not good. It was fucking awful. What it was was regurgitated jokes from the original show reboxed and with a narrative. I don’t mean similar humour, I mean literally the same jokes. A scene with a novelty face disguise. Brent being pulled into the office of a superior over a tasteless racist joke. Brent killing the room whilst on stage at a students union. The garish dance routine. These are not similar themes to The Office, this is literally the same stuff repackaged. I could not believe what I was watching. The list goes on.

To top it off the supporting lead is Doc Brown, potentially the least funny man on TV. Doc Brown is one of those ‘comedians’ who fuses music and comedy. A formula that seems to dazzle everyone, except for me. The problem is Doc Brown has a very particular unique brand of comedy. One that isn’t funny. Despite being the straight man for most of the scenes alongside Gervais his face is a painful reminder of what we are working with here.

The thing that made The Office so wonderful was how authentic it was. It literally got mistaken for a documentary when it aired. In my eyes there aren’t many real mocumentaries around these days. With the American Office growing to be the giant it was the style mocumentaries were shot in has changed somewhat. Like the piss poor Derek Gervais put out, it’s a shame to see Life on the Road followed suit with this style change. In the original Office scenes were shot with 2 or 3 cameras and no impossible angles, meaning mid scene when flipping from one subject to another the cameras would be at angles where they would not be in each others shot. Often making do to flip between subjects as if a real documentary crew were inside the office. Life on the Road adopts the modern style (as appropriated by the American Office) where scenes have 5/6 different camera angles depending on different subjects and what angles would suit the scenes cinematically. This sounds dreadfully like I’m trying to be a smart arse but I hope I’ve explained this well enough. The point is it constantly breaks the illusion of the film being an actual documentary, there by rendering the whole thing a bit thin. Subjects are caught on camera in places where they are seemingly alone. It makes for very diluted viewing.

Then to come onto Brent himself. In the original series of the Office way back in 2001 Ricky Gervais was just a pasty fat bloke from Reading who had done a bit of radio. He looked like a middle manager at a paper merchant. Years later Gervais is somewhat slimmer and well kept. He cannot help this obviously. I’d hope that if I’d made millions in Hollywood I’d be a bit more well kept than I was 15 years ago. However this is another great reason to leave David Brent alone. The subtlety that made The Office so incredible is completely lost as the humour is dumbed down and over saturated. It’s just different. It’s a real shame Ricky Gervais has not just let a sleeping dog lie.

The way The Office ended was iconic TV. A series full of such wonderful, relatable characters ends with everyones personal storylines being wrapped up nicely. It ended on a high. I think it speaks volumes that Stephan Merchant, Gervais’s right hand man during the writing process of The Office and Extras wanted nothing to do with this film. Neither did any of the original cast members. It really clearly hasn’t been made for anything other than to line Gervais’s pockets and it shows. As much as I adore The Office I don’t think this film was made for me or my generation of Office viewers. It felt a lot like Arctic Monkeys ‘AM’ in the sense that although it’s the same faces you remember from back when they were incredible, the project has been created for new fans who are keen to subscribe to the legacy. Out of everyone I know who really loves the Office I’ve heard a good review from one person. It breaks my heart to see what is one of the most wonderfully perfect things ever created by humans reduced to this shite. A film released 15 years on shouldn’t taint the original Office, but it does.

EDIBLE HIGHLIGHTS OF THE GREAT WICKEDLAND BLACKOUT OF 2016

Obviously I’ve been eating since I stopped writing. I’d be dead otherwise, that’s how it works. Here’s some notable highlights I’ve put in my mouth over the last few months.

Five Guys is so good. I’m never going to get bored of it. Whenever I’m craving a proper meaty beef burger they’re just the best. Look at this beautiful work of art.

I went to Portugal in late October for my older sister Natalie’s birthday. Little weekend away. It was fun, as Portugal always is, but the highlight was this steak I had. It was ‘Portuguese style’ which apparently means served in a gravy made with brandy, with crispy bacon and potatoes. It was literally the best steak I’ve ever had in my whole life. Blinding.

This is one of my favourite things to eat in Leicester. Jones’s on Queens Road is known for it’s breakfasts, but other than that they have a wonderful menu with a few little gems. This is the chicken and bacon bagel burger. It’s full of loads of good shit, and the fries come with chilli and Parmesan. It’s really good, next time you’re up that way go and get one. Get one and read WL on your phone while you do.

Do you know about the lunch menu at St Martins Coffee? They’ve got a bunch of nice toasted sandwiches and they serve portions of homemade fries. Get involved. Here’s me, Sandy and Ben having a lovely fucking time. Note how happy Ben is with his WL hand sign.

Boneyard opened! Myself and some of my arty friends did some work there and as part of the payment we ate like kings. The menu is so vast and varied, we tried to sample as much of the menu as we could. Go and get the wings, they’re real nice.

One of the best investments of my adult life has been this sandwich press I bought a couple years back. I thought I won’t scrimp, I’ll spend a bit, and I’ll reap the rewards. Here I am, being smug, showing off one of the sarnies. This is a pesto chicken joint with red onions, sundried tomatoes and cheese. They were bloody good.

I’ve gotten into a bad habit. If it’s super late and I’ve not got any snacks in I’ve took to ringing one of those dessert places. The last time I did this was the most notable thing I got. Peanut butter cookie dough. Did you know that was a thing? Neither did I until I spotted it on this menu. It was every bit as good as it looks. Cookie dough’s great isn’t it.

This might be the nicest thing I’ve cooked since I downed tools. They were kind of like a Bombay potatoes, shallow fried with a load of nice little veggies and spices. I grilled some chicken to go with it. Annoying that fried food is so bad for you isn’t it. Imagine how wonderfully different the world would be if it wasn’t. I wanna eat these little potatoes every single day but I don’t want to have a heart attack in my 30s.

L Buongustai is a new Italian food shop that’s opened up on Granby Street opposite The Last Plantagenet. I promise you the food is way better the name of the place. It’s pure rustic and hand made. Dishes are all about £5-9 and they’ve got a massive menu. I had this chicken dish with potatoes and peppers in a tomato sauce and the soup of the day. How good is fresh homemade soup? The fresh baked bread that came with it was only 50p as well. Go get lunch there, it’s dead good.

My younger sister Rose made a ‘Boxing Day pie’ this year. It was all the leftovers from our Christmas dinner in a pie, with cranberry sauce on the bottom and the rest of the gravy poured over it. It was fucking sublime. It was just as you’d imagine, like that last mouthful of a Christmas dinner where you have a bit of everything on your fork, but in a pie. You could only just taste the cranberry sauce too so that way nice haha.

Boxing Day dinner is always a fun one in my house. I enjoy it as much as our actual Christmas dinner. Just cold cuts and pickles and shit but I love plates where you have loads of different flavours on them.

Back doing them thangs with the sandwich press. Pesto chicken, red onions and chilli cheese. Little tip though; don’t buy the fresh baked paninis from Sainsbury’s. They’re so crusty they’re basically crunchy.

That's your lot! Go and eat something now.

WHAT A DAY TO LOSE MY HEADPHONES

I had realised when I got to the station they weren't with me. I'd also thankfully lost my bank card too so at least I couldn't buy any at the airport. Amsterdam had been fun. I'd broke my last €10 cash getting a sandwich and some water so I was hearing everything on the way home wether I liked it or not. I'd have to go back to one of the oldest and the greatest ways to pass time; people watching.

I'd got to my gate a little early and checked the screen. Due to some fog the gate hadn't been announced yet but I'd been directed down there by the information desk. The plane was coming soon, all was good. I finally sat down after the longest walk through the airport and had the sandwich. I was approached by a young Dutch man in a suit with a tablet. He had glasses and tidy hair. He was preppy. He was a surveyor for the airport conducting data capture.

I enjoy data capture and analytics and I figured as I didn't have my headphones to take me away I'd see what this had to offer me in the way of interest. The survey was written impeccably and was relatively complicated, making it a little more fun. It was fresh in my mind how fascinating the Dutch people were compared to us Brits. Interesting characters. Polite, intelligent, straight laced, sometimes wooden and almost to a man they were remarkable with the English language. I'd seen this as a cool interaction to have stumbled upon. The surveyor was all of the above. He was so typically Dutch, but a similar height and complexion to myself and also was 27 years old. I could see he was as interested by the process of the data capture as I was. We were similar. We finished his survey and discussed his job and what exactly the data is used for, went onto Brexit, (followed by my subsequent apology on behalf of my countrymen) and we exchanged names and parted ways. Willem. The perfect 'single serving friend' as Tyler Durham describes these people so well in Fight Club.

I got down to the waiting room as I was about to board the plane and sat down in a corner. I watched the room fill up with people. Across from me was this guy. He was like a bird. This bird boy looked like he'd just took a pill. Fidgeting and restless unknowingly pulling faces and sticking his neck out to stare at people. Someone would walk around the corner to show the assistant the passport, entering his line of sight and they would instantly catch his eye. He would stare in the way only birds do. Completely still with his neck at full stretch in their direction. The people showing their passport to the assistant were behind a blindspot as I watched on. I was enjoying this because it gave an air of mystery to what his expressions gave away. It made for better more rewarding learning of his algorithms. The game was not on easy mode so to speak. I was aware of the irony in this and that I am now staring at him. Maybe someone was staring at me. But between watching Willem the surveyor seemingly chancing upon his interactions with the passengers and now the bird boy's clockwork-like cycle of behaviour as people entered the room one by one I felt like James Bond scoping the set out. Things were starting to happen in my mind slightly before they happened in real life, I was in that place.

The point the bird boy and Willem the surveyor met was wonderful. I'd been keeping an eye on both of them for 15 minutes now and their own little interactions emotionally with the strangers in the room. I'd earned this, this was my Big Bang. While Willem was focused, clinical and pragmatic the bird boy was a bad bluff. His thoughts were written on his face. Willem the surveyor remained poker faced. He was the fucking dealer. He was like a spook. He was here to collect data and that alone. As the bird boy's female companion did most of the talking for the minute Willem took of their time, bird boy's head was twisting as his eyes danced up and down the surveyor, from his hair cut to his shoes and back again. They parted ways with Willem walking towards the right and in turn past the door where people were filtering in. Bird boys eyes once again transfixed on the mystery passenger behind the blind spot. Order was restored.

An apparent late introduction of characters to the story yet

The surveyor had scuttled off as secretly as he had entered the room. The doors were open and people were boarding the plane. I'm stood at the vending machine as two voices come dancing down the stairs. One loutish Irish accent shouting 'Flybe! Flybe!' and the other I couldn't quite make out. I get a Twix from the vending machine, grab my bags, check my passport and head out the door to a little purple plane. I'm now stood behind them in the queue. It's cold and the plane looks like a little deathtrap, especially with the fog. Without the headphones I'm privy to their conversation. These are the exact situations where I love headphones. I'm cursing myself. One of them looked like a burned out match. He was a character that didn't quite make the cast of Trainspotting. He must've weighed 6 stone wet through and stood hunched over sipping something strong from a disposable coffee cup through a chewed up straw. He was pissed out of his skull and cruising at 2,000 words a minute all dribbling out from below his burger 'tache. Among various ramblings in his boggy Birmingham accent he announced 'I feel fucked for whoever has to sit next to me I'm gonna chew their ear off for an hour'. This apparently was the Irish guy's partner in crime. His idiot in tow. I later learned his name was Matthew. 

The Lottery

I instantly knew it was me. It was a small flight with maybe 100 people on and I was flying alone, I knew it was me. I was getting my ear chewed off. As we went up the steps I ignored his chattering enough to get my phone out and look at my boarding pass. 10D. Ok as long as he doesn't call 'ten' then I'm good money. I take two more steps up the little ladder and hear him say 'ten, I'm in ten'. After all, I'd been following the patterns of Willem the surveyor and bird boy and had been realising what happened next in their little stories so why would that stop now? So we sit down next to each other, I make no eye contact, just put my hoods up as planned and zone out. Eager to not give him any opportunity at all to talk to me. Not a sniff. The Twix can wait, I'm a statue and he can't see my face. He hadn't spoke in about 5 whole minutes when he burst and blurted over 5 rows to the air hostess asking why if the plane isn't completely full could he move to sit with his friend. She was busy counting heads and making final preparations before the flight and assured him she'd sort it in a minute. He couldn't help himself. He tried to start the conversation with me, half subtly bringing it to the attention of everyone near us that she'd told him to shut up.

I couldn't be arsed. I just didn't look up. Now I knew he wanted to move I knew it wasn't permanent. In 5 or 10 minutes he'd be gone and I'd already avoided his verbal advance. The whole time I'm thinking about this guy, bird boy with the way he stared and Willem, the busy Dutch surveyor's pragmatism and how I wanted to write about them so other people could see a bit of them. They all seemed so interesting with my full attention. I felt like for better and worse all this would have been missed if I had my headphones. I pulled my phone out, opened a note and started punching away. I'm now here, writing this, the guy has got his move and it's a bit more peaceful. I've ate the Twix. What a day to lose my headphones.

WASTEMAN OF THE WEEK: 063

WASTEMAN OF THE WEEK - ISKRA LAWRENCE

Iskra Lawrence shot to fame mid last year when a photo started to circulate online of a model with a huge ass in a bikini. This particular ass has tiny stretch marks and a few dimples. The internet tracked her down and she popped, becoming Instagram famous almost overnight.

Fast forward 6 months and the stretch marks and dimples have become her brand. Her whole gimmick is telling people it’s ok not to be perfect and to embrace their flaws. Now it doesn’t take a genius to notice that Iskra is extremely beautiful, stretch marks and all. For all her ‘flaws’ her figure is insane, and she works hard on it, regularly posting selfies from the gym. She’s simply beautiful.

She recently posted a video of her taking it upon herself to give a carriage full of passengers on a subway train an impromptu lecture about how they should love themselves whilst in her underwear. My gripe with this is the world doesn’t need fit people telling regular people to embrace their flaws. She’s pretty close to flawless and I’m sure deep down she knows this. She’s fit. She’s a fucking model. The reason she is posting a viral video of her in her undies on a train isn’t because she’s found some inner zen, it’s because she’s fit and a model and wants to show her fit body off. It’s always the dead fit girls preaching about embracing flaws isn’t it?  It’s almost as if she wants to discuss flaws to draw attention to how flawless she is. Nah, that would be mental and vain wouldn’t it? Couldn’t be that.

Her whole brand is built on not having a regular body type for a model, which works very well for her lectures. But she’s ignoring a blind spot. How many posts online do we see about loving curvy girls and not stick thin girls? Typical, supermodel shaped girls are ridiculed as much as anyone else, if not more. Iskra firstly is conventionally beautiful from the neck up, has a teeny tiny waist and a huge ass and thighs. This is a desirable shape and has been for as long as I can remember. She knows she isn’t flawed. She knows she is beautiful. Just rub it in our faces like every other model, you don’t have to act like you’ve found some special inner peace because you want to show your body off. Simply post your photo and go, spare us regular people the thinly veiled, arrogant, condescending lecture please.

YESTERDAY I LISTENED TO: WILEY - GODFATHER (2017)

YESTERDAY I LISTENED TO:

Wiley - Godfather (2017)

It’s been a little while since we’ve had a full length project from Wiley, and it feels like there’s never been a better time for him to release one. With Kano and Skepta’s respective albums both receiving critical acclaim upon release last year the stage was set. And so comes ‘Godfather.’ Wiley’s 11th studio album and apparently the last was announced way back in May and finally it’s here.

Featuring a host of grime talent both around the microphone and on production duties the guestlist on the project is completely stacked. Skepta, Jme, Devlin, Ghetts, Newham Gens, Chip, P Money, Preditah (my mate), Rude Kid, Darq E Freaker and many many more offer their services. This really is The grime scene I grew up with and love on one project and it doesn’t disappoint. Firstly this is an out and out grime album, there is no other sound on this project other than grime from start to finish. That in itself these days is very rare. Both Skepta and Kano’s huge releases leant on other genres where as this is authentic 140bpm grime from start to finish. I think that’s a very interesting and brave thing to do, as well as a high risk one. I think it should Wiley’s confidence in his ability. Secondly it’s a particular strand of grime that I believe only Wiley is capable of. His mind is unique.

I wouldn’t even know where to start with picking out a few highlight tracks on this. Every single track has something so original and typically Wiley, wether it is his own ear for rhythms and certain instrumentation patterns in his productions or his impossibly funny and peculiar one liners in the verses. Wiley’s style is so rich and this album really showcases it. Even the concepts are incredible. Track 16 ‘Laptop’ is an ode to Wiley’s laptop, talking about how important it’s been to him over the years as a tool and all the money and music he’s made from it. A love letter if you will. ‘My laptop is a part of my brain’ is the line that stuck with me. It’s really sweet.

The promo trail for this album has been great fun too. A long string of videos for songs from the project that are simple, but have the wonderful DIY feel that a lot of Wiley’s early work did. The masterstroke came in the form of a video also posted to YouTube called ‘Handle Ya Business Freestyle.’ What is nostalgia for the older listeners is a history lesson for the younger listeners. He spits about earning his stripes and his bragging rights as the visual shows us a montage of archive footage of all the important historical moments Wiley has been a part of in grime. A great snapshot of his legacy and how instrumental he has been.

All in all it’s tremendous. It sounds very current and relevant but also has all the key elements of the Wiley I used to listen to ten years ago. He’s set in his ways and hasn’t strayed far from what Wiley does, but it’s tight, unique, fun, authentic and pure. This really does feel like back to basics and the Godfather’s palette is so rich, his basics run laps around a lot of other MCs final form. This man gave birth to my favourite thing on earth and this album is a timely reminder that Wiley started all this. Godfather could not be a more fitting name.

PEOPLE AND PLACES: PHOTOS OF AMSTERDAM, JANUARY 2017

I took my camera to Dam with my with one eye on a project I'm looking to put together later this year. Here's the photos I took of Amsterdam and Alkmaar. My aim was just to try and capture the mood of the city and the people who live there.

Alkmaar, 21.01.17