CRAP THINGS THAT ARE CURRENTLY CONCERNING ME

Yo, I'm back from Portugal, it was lovely, I'll be posting up some pictures in the next couple of days. While I was there I had an idea for a new regular feature, 'crap things that are currently concerning me'. Long-time wickedlanders will remember Wasteman of the Week where week on week I used to name and shame a public figure, explaining why they were so shit. It was a popular feature that I used to get a lot of feedback from. In a similar light, I wanna put these posts together as regular as possible because too much stuff gets away with being absolutely dog shit. The people have come to accept mediocrity. Please feel free to drop me a tweet or a line on facebook and suggest stuff that needs discussing.

SNOOPIFY APP

Ok, so anybody who uses Instagram will be up on this as it's been a fucking cancer on there for the last couple of weeks. I've seen bits and bobs on facebook and twitter too. The long and short of it is basically an app where you use Snoop Dogg themed cartoon pictures and items to 'snoopify' a photograph. Relatively harmless and sure, fun. There is a line though isn't there? As with anything potentially fun, humans get hold of it and crush every ounce of amusement out of it by over using it. Seriously, every other photo on my Instagram feed is a post of one of these pictures. Do people honestly find this shit amusing? Does that make microsoft clip art good then? Because that's effectively what it is. I'm bored fucking sick of seeing pictures of peoples friends wearing du-rags and sunglasses with 'what it do nephew?' next to their fucking heads. Can everyone stop being into such rubbish things please?

SELFIES

How have these become acceptable? I think it started with Tumblr or whatever, and this certain style of staring into the camera with a really meaningful serious face was born. Fast forward a couple years and it's a fucking epidemic. Not only are girls using it to fully lie about how they look and spending hours getting dolled up and ready to capture that one good shot, it has translated and certain mandem are doing this too. If you are male and sit around taking pictures of yourself, seriously go fuck yourself. Stop being such a moist wet cunt and think of what you are fucking doing. fix up. Also, the girls and boys who do this seem to think that by crediting it as a 'selfie' then that makes it ok to do. Like as if by admitting what it is and giving it that stamp it makes it ok to do. What a shameless, horribly vain thing to do, how can they not be bothered about how that makes them come across? Like have you not got better things to do than sit there trying to look fit? Read a fucking book you shell. Learn something. Get better at something. Also, I'm sick of girls using the low-res camera of the front of an iphone and dimly lit conditions to create a sort of blurry photo that makes them look better than they are. Its a transparent trick, we all know what you are doing so it's pointless. If you've got a minute look into the science behind black and white portraits and soft focus portraits, it's exactly the same thing. The premise is simple; include less visual data so the beholders brain basically fills in the gaps with what they want to see. what they think is pleasant, there by making you more attractive to them. Human's have reached a disgusting cretinous age.

FACEBOOK

Can we give up on it yet? Do we still need it? Aside from group messaging to sort out shit like barbecues or holidays and photo albums, it's pretty useless isn't it? Nightclub promoters have taken the very idea of a notification and turned it into something to be feared and anxious about receiving rather than an exciting notice that somebody is thinking of you. It's a fucking write off isn't it? My feed these days is a collection of videos and memes posted by thick idiots with shit senses of humour who are usually late on things, club nights I know exist and still majestically don't want to go to (despite being told 5 times in a week that a bog standard night is going on yet again this week) and shameless self promotion. I'm guilty of the last action as that's all facebook is to me these days, a place for me to post my blog and occasionally my music. It fully fucked it with all the little changes in 2011 and 2012. Like which fucking genius thought of making a little feed where everyone can see everything you do all the time? did they seriously think that would be a good idea? So, so mental. It's also a shame that young parents have turned it into a database for photos of their kids. Are the days of physical photo albums gone? Will humans ever have that sensation of not seeing a photo of loved ones for years ever again or has that been killed by facebook albums and camera rolls? Like I love getting old pictures out and being blown away by how much the subjects have changed since the pictures were taken. If you are staring at the same pictures over and over again this sensation will be numbed.

HAYFEVER

seriously fuck this shit. Fuck this shit with a huge strong black dick. How is it still around? How have humans not evolved past this? I feel so glad that not all people are sufferers, because take it from me as a sufferer, it is fucking horrible. Its like the feeling of starting to get a cold times multiplied by the split second right before you sneeze. It's horrible and personally, this year mine is back with a fucking vengeance. It seems like pills and other medicines are a temporary fix but nothing can hold it off. It's fucking strooong and ignant as fuck. It doesn't care. This year mine is laughing at Piriteze. Sticking fingers up at Claritin. Point is this; when are we going to invent something that actually combats this shit and is effective? It's a bit of a geeky thing to have. A lot of scientists are typically 'geeky'. Are a couple of those laboratory dwelling, hayfever suffering goons gonna come through and make a break through? I can't understand why myself and a bunch of my peers just have to put up with it.

COKE BOTTLES WITH NAMES ON

Hey no way! Coca Cola's marketing team have done something cool! Let's all start doing what everyone else is doing and post pictures of them on the internet again! I think my problem is not with Coke printing these bottles, its a harmless fun idea, but I feel this has really highlighted how brainless people are. So fucking what if a bottle has your name on it. If you told me that I would believe you, I don't need to see it. Fuck, when I walked into a shop and saw a shelf of assorted names on coke bottles, I'd believe that your name was in there somewhere. What is the point in posting a picture up of one? What is the point of notifying people that they have done your name too and you got one? Is that good? Is that something you think is worthy of everyone seeing? I'll find a clip of Stevie Wonder live performing some of the most beautiful music ever written and share it with my peers. Art. Timeless amazing art. It's a shame it lands in a fucking cesspool of this shit. Its a shame we live in a culture where a lot of people feel the need to post things online everyday, regardless of what it is. A culture where people don't think before they waste everybody's time showing them something very, very average. Remember when you were a kid and a character on a TV show would have your name? You fucking lost you shit. You were so excited. Do you remember growing out of that? Me too.

BONK HILIDOY WOOKEND

Leicester are about to kick off against Watford in the first leg of their playoff semi final. exciting times.

Schuh had a cool promo thing where they put these massive shoeboxes round town and you had to upload a photo and use a hashtag to get 10% off.

Had a proper nice BBQ round Blake and Kirsty's. Kirsty had done these massive bits of barbecued chicken, and I made this burger, it was really nice.

Indy is getting big now, she is about 18 months old. She was fucking around with Reef's hulk gloves making me laugh

The illustrations on this health and safety notice board were pure carried. they were like they were from a kids book or something like that. They were sick!

It's great seeing people wearing sunglasses and talking on phones because you can make up back stories about how they are secret agents or drug cartel members or whatever.

They are trying to make Lucozade look more and more like anti-perspirant you know. I wouldn't want to drink this really

Olly whipping and catching couple Arab papes, don't watch nothing.

These two turned up to Bede island for a little stroll in matching outfits loooool.

Lewis had a little house-warming bank holiday party on sunday. It was a really fun night, this was the only photo I got of all my boys who were there.

I have refined friends who go deep into conversation and sit like this. You're going to have to deal with that.

Olly was being young and impressionable, Jamie was being old, pissed and forceful.

Some source of light faced guy. All of a sudden everybody left the party and just us lot were left there.

Like a dickhead I burnt 2 holes in one of my favourite shirts with a fag by accident. I don't even smoke, what a fucking dunce move. I was so bummed out on the night man.

On the bank holiday monday the sun was BLAZING. I don't think I've ever seen the Quay so busy, it was absolutely rammed.

You see people with bongos. People bring a soundsystem down and let some reggae saunter across the park. You always get that inappropriate game of football that takes over. I've never once seen metal heads bring a pair of electric guitars down to the park, plug in to amps and start going mental. That happened on monday. The world has lost all hope.

Wavy Kama in full effect later that afternoon.

We had football in the evening all very tired and hungover, and managed to piece together a win. Everyone was so tired in the car on the way back, I've never seen everyone so quiet after a win!

Natalie had a nice barbecue the other night also. This made me laugh on the front of her house, like some kind of art installation. A dying christmas tree in a dustbin. Possibly representing the start of summer? However a rusty, fucked barbecue was it's neighbour maybe reminding us not to get so excited over the impending British summertime.

Thanks for reading! it's still 0-0 in the football, not a lot to report. I'm off to portugal tomorrow with Rose and Natalie so I'll try to get some funny pictures!

MY QUAY SUPPLY COMPANY PODCAST

Yo, here is a podcast I put together for my friends over at the Quay Supply Company. I tried to use my favourite songs, but not obvious shit that everyone has heard. I hope you listen to it and really love at least one of the songs on it!

FOOD POLITICS

I'm in no mood to write a blog entry. I hope this doesn't come across in my writing. Although now I've gave you that pretence it will probably occupy your thoughts during your read won't it?

I'm sick of seeing tramps eating Maryland in Mcdonalds. It's not an open cafeteria where anybody can just bring in anything and eat it, Mcdonalds employees really need to be more strict with this. It's such a  disgusting, poverty habit these people have been allowed to get away with. I don't have a lot of respect for anybody eating Maryland in the day anyway. Tramps

How is he not hot? He is wearing so much let alone his massive backpack. It's mental.

This made me laugh. You know in America when people have the stars and stripes outside their house it looks patriotic and proud. The St Georges flag, for me personally has such connotations of dunce breeds and racism, that's all I can think about whenever I see it posted up.

I went round my Aunties house for her partners birthday party. We had a little barbecue and she cooked a load of food. I love her cooking so much, I had a lovely plate. She makes this rice that I love so much, I want it all again right now.

Her lights in her kitchen are up to something. I liked staring at this mechanism trying to work out what was going on.

Who thought of this? From afar I love it, It's all good fun but imagine if that was your car. It's a bit weird isn't it?

Hold tight all the soldiers on road. I see more and more people dressed in head to toe military gear.

I never really get it.

I had something nice and new from Barbecue Base the other day. Jerk chicken breast and spicy brown rice. It was really good, £5.50 for the meal with a drink, it was really nice. The rice was spot on.

Great tastes of America are back. As usual they are not doing anything new. Expect 5 weeks on cheeseburgers with bacon. fucking yaaaaaawn. I wish we got half the cool stuff they get abroad in Mcdonalds.

This was nice. From one of the Polish shops on Narbs. I love the way they live in a time warp where all drinks are 50p and it's mental to ask for anything more. It's like it's 1993. This was watermelon and strawberry flavour and every last drop of it was delicious.

Check this girl out. What a genius and wonderfully beautiful top to be wearing. 'I hate everyone' hahahaha so bold and simple. I wonder what she is actually like as a person.

I was chilling with the BLG guys and some of their friends. One of their mates downed a bottle of brothers cider and stood up to walk it off. As he did, he stood behind some students fucking around with a ball, just watching and kind of imposing his presence, all with a blank expression on his face. It fucking killed me, I don't know why I found it so funny but I've been thinking about it all day.

My new favourite people at the Quay are the indian guys who post up like the black guys do by the path. The one third in from the left was such a guy. White t-shirt, black jeans, ray bans, Leather jacket, white socks and boat shoes drinking cans of fosters and prevuing on girls. What a brilliant bloke.

Loooooooool. I think I will always love swearing at animals. Going to the zoo and swearing at Lions and tigers through inch thick glass is the best, but if you do not have a zoo to hand then a dog tied up on Narborough road will do haha

That's all. Thanks for popping by. Hopefully I'll have a few things to put up over the weekend, it's been a slow week as far as wickedlanding is concerned.

PERI PERI IS GOING DOWNHILL

Isn't it lovely not having to wrap up constantly? The heating in my flat hasn't been on in about 2 weeks and that makes me very happy. This weather is bearable.

Are animal onesies played out yet? Like even people who think that onesie culture isn't a cancer in itself surely realise that the mental, crackers idea of going out on the piss in a onesie is embarrassing and shit. Every bit as ridiculous as it was a year ago? I think I can't stand people with shit senses of humour trying so hard to be hilarious, that's what annoys me.

I went to the driving range last Saturday with Dan and Tom. I was so shit seriously, I swear I wasn't this bad last time I went with Dan. It's fucking haaaaard. I left a very frustrated man who doesn't really want to try and enjoy golf ever again haha

Mr England 2013 was in soar point. I couldn't see what his little badge thing said.

My spanish wife cooked us a right nice midnight feast on Monday. He did us a whopping rump steak each with pepper sauce, cheesy garlic bread, chips and cauliflower cheese. It was so so wicked, I love eating meat when I should be in bed.

How the fuck do we live in a world where we are meant to be considerate to the environment and care about being green and whatever else but fucking phone books still exist? What a pointless waste of paper and energy. How can companies like BT justify having phonebooks? Any time I need a phone number I get straight on the internet, or use my mobile to find it. Anybody in 2013 without an internet connection doesn't deserve to call whoever they were trying to call.

Peri Peri is turning into one of those poverty tramp places advertising deals like this on the shop front. The bloke in the shirt who works the till in the one in town is a fucking grade A mongoloid, I absolutely lost my temper with him the other day. He constantly fucks up my order, and I can't understand how. 

I ask for a breast burger...he presses the breast burger button on the till. He asks me how hot I want it, I say hot..he presses the hot button on the till. I say cheese and all salad, He presses the cheese and all salad buttons on the till, prints the little receipt with this information on and hands it backwards to the kitchen. HOW THE FUCK do I end up with a breast pitta with no cheese.

Is my accent hard for him to understand? does burger sound like pitta? He fucked it up the other day and I went mad at him. He was completely unapologetic claiming that I had said pitta, not burger. Because he is such a fucking spastic who cannot operate in the simplest of jobs with the lowest possible requirement of concentration I've took to pointing at what I want on a menu as I order it and this still isn't enough for him.

After having a go at him I told him I didn't have time to wait for the burger and took the pitta and started eating. As I did I noticed despite being charged for it he had not put in cheese. I stood up, asked him if he remembered me asking for cheese and paying for cheese. He said yes, and without apology took the pitta from me and put a cold cheese slice in it. He is a fucking mong, I've been ordering the same meal from peri peri anything from 2-6 times a week for the last 3 years and he had the cheek to tell me I was wrong and made a mistake when I ordered. He needs to go, he is single-handedly dragging that place down.

By the way, Manchester United became champions of the league. This guy illustrates that.

The guys from Liptons Ice Tea were in town giving out samples and sunglasses and shit. They had a swing ball pole set up as if that isn't the most inappropriate thing to have in the middle of town hahaha. Right next to their big, colourful, fun display there was a lovely bloke with a microphone talking about jesus. He was fighting a losing battle.

ENGUUUURLUUUUUND! SAINT GEORGE MATE! PROUD TO BE BRITISH!

Pet shop? Is that a good pun? Either way there was a cat chilling in this shop I went into. I think I liked it, the cat wasn't offensive.

You know Max is a weirdo innit. He was the only person on this whole street with his umbrella up. A bit embarrassing. It was not raining.

I went for a meal with my family the other night. We all ended up having pie. Im not using a massive fan of pies, or pastry in general but these were really nice. They were from the Red Cow on Hinckley road, and I had a slow cooked beef and red wine one. It was lovely, I really enjoyed it.

The veteran birdman was just mobbing the other day. I seen him again today. The sun with not dictate this mans dress code, its a lot of layers all season no matter what.

DATS ME THEN ENJOY YOUR WEEKEND WICKEDLANDERS! THANKS FOR POPPING BY