My problem isn't with Tumblr itself. Tumblr isn't the catalyst in all of this. The problem is as ever, our generation. Tumblr girls are everywhere, literally clones of one another all desperately pretending to be into the same things, but then acting as if their own tastes, opinions and thoughts are unique. Don't make the simple mistake in thinking that you have to have a Tumblr account to be a Tumblr girl, god no. Tumblr girls are so because they check up on tumblr blogs.
So if you're trying to work out if you yourself are a Tumblr girl, or if the male readership are busy trying to work out if that girl you got talking to today is a Tumblr girl I compiled this checklist for you to work through. I think about this shit a lot, and I hope that I can break it down and try and work out some sort of logic or reason why Tumblr girls follow these behavioural patterns, check it out.
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1. YOU LOVE EBAY
Tumblr girls are always selling shit on Ebay and using Instagram to push you to their Ebay accounts. I think this one is relatively simple. A great deal of what this culture is based on is following fashion. There is a competitive nature with Tumblr girls and part of this means they constantly have to be on the latest shit. Take photos with it, wear it a couple of times then shot it off to other Tumblr girls who are still buying the shit you bought a month ago, and are slightly behind on trend. Like the tumblr girls who were fast to start dressing like it's the 90's again will be making a pretty penny off of dippy yats who think that that is a cool way to dress this week.
2. YOU POST MOVIE SNAPSHOTS WITH SUBTITLES
Relatively inoffensive, but you know the ones who do this. Everybody likes movies, but I'm sure this particular behaviour stems from Tumblr directly. I'm guessing that's what the done thing was over there, rather than just stating that they like a movie or a scene. They'll post a picture of it. It's a particular peice of behaviour that has been brought along to other social media.
3. YOU PRETEND TO BE GREEDY / PARTICULARLY LOVE PIZZA
I'm sure I've nailed this one down. A huge part of this culture is drumming up male attention. Most guys like to eat and be greedy so I'd hazard a guess that the reason these girls pretend to eat loads of junk food is to try and have more in common with guys. Also, they have to maintain this façade of being fitter than they are. So if they are as fit as they are, despite constantly stuffing their face with pizza and whatever else then in their heads it gives them a plus one on the fitness chart. It's like they're trying to trick you into thinking that if they stopped eating this junk food they could become fitter.
4. YOU LOVE VEINY ARMS ON GUYS
And you found this out around 3/4 months ago when all the other Tumblr girls took to the internet to announce it, just after you all started loving beards.
5. YOU GOT A SEPTUM PIERCING
Around the same time you decided you like bindi's, all of about 2 years ago. I feel rough on the girls who genuinely liked the septum piercing and had one before a couple of years ago when it become super popular. Absolute textbook sheep move by the Tumblr girls with this one, they all fucking flocked to get it pierced.
6. TWO BUNS ON YOUR HEAD
Same shit with this really, the sheep thing. Where did this start? Is it part of the 90's renaissance? Are Hot Mess clothing to blame? Either way, whatever, dippy girls all around me started tidying up their pastel colour mops in this way around a year ago all completely convinced it was their own decision. Fascinating.
7. YOU ARE ON MEDICATION AND JUST CANNOT WAIT TO TELL EVERYONE
Being depressed is part of the image isn't it? So many of the Tumblr poster girls were famously riddled with depression so naturally this lot followed suit, shouting about it the whole way. Take medication. Be depressed by all means, just don't wear it on your sleeve like a fashion statement, it's pathetic and embarrassing.
8. YOU MAINTAIN AN EXTREMELY THINLY VEILED INTEREST IN HIP HOP
Another one to gage the attention of males, but it becomes a painfully weak façade whenever you'll try to engage in conversation with a Tumblr girl about hip hop. Poorly misinformed and hurried opinions make up what little actual interest they do have after you dig past a couple of soundcloud remixes of A$AP Rocky songs that they've posted to twitter.
9. YOU'RE A FUCKING WIZARD ON INSTAGRAM
A god. A fucking artist. A sorcerer. Truly astonishing work. Tumblr girls can blow the whole 2 plus theory of a good filter out of the water with their witchcraft. Get a new fucking rulebook because these lot are making mental things happen. Not to mention they love to crop photos in these fucking stupid ways. Upside down, sideways, anything goes. It's not uncommon for Tumblr girls to rarely go out into the real world and be seen in person by all the people they interact with online because they're constantly posting extremely edited photos of themselves and don't want to shatter the illusion. As 50 Cent put it in a recent Power 105.5 fm Breakfast Club interview; Dr Dre isn't releasing Detox because the idea of what the Detox could be is a stronger product than what it would be.
10. YOU LOVE CLUELESS
Yourself and all the other Tumblr girls decided a couple of years ago that it's the greatest film ever, after all; it ties in with all that gross 90's shit you're all pretending to like anyway so it's pretttyyy perfect.
11. YOU POST PHOTOGRAPHS OF GIRLS CLAIMING TO FANCY THEM
This for me is the absolute defining factor above all others I've collated. Is this to beg the whole bisexual thing? Or is it to try and seem like more attractive because you are forcing the issue that you are completely unphased by the towering sexuality of these women? You pretended to fall in love with Emily Ratajkowski after the Blurred Lines video (and made sure you posted photos and told everyone about it,) you love Iggy Azalea, Sasha Grey, Drew Barrymore, a young Kate Moss and most of all a young Angelina Jolie. They fucking love Angelina Jolie.
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So that's it, that's my guide my figuring out if you're a Tumblr girl. It's a shame that Tumblr has bred this generation of clones, all desperately trying to convince us that the shit they're into is their own taste. Magically they all started wearing creepers last year, even though these shoes have been around sicne they were all born. By pure coincidence they all started wearing those little plastic chokers that I thought died in the 90's this year. The idea of fashion in it's own right upsets me. Not high fashion but rather high street fashion.
The very idea that these people are so personality-less that they don't care that the clothes they wear and the music they listen to could mean they could be part of a culture. It's like there is a sub-culture of having no culture and being fine with all being nothing together. It's so hard to believe that these are genuine personality traits because they are all just part of this fashion. How can the films you like be dictated by fashion? That's absurd, but these thick girls continue to try and trick us into thinking by coincidence they all love Clueless. Phenomenal times in this shit world as ever.
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