I WAS AT WIRELESS ALL WEEKEND

Yooooooo me and Tom went to Wireless Festival in Birmingham this weekend. Here is how our weekend panned out.

It's odd because although it is obviously a festival, there is no camping, so it almost didn't feel like one. I was showering daily in our hotel, charging my phone at night, sleeping in a proper bed. It was alright.

We went to Asda on the way and picked up an inventory to get us through our weekend.

A$AP Ferg kicked it off. He wasn't a very good performer but it was a fun way to start the weekend.

This Chinese girl had a go pro camera on a pole. Seeing real life stereotypes is one of my favourite things.

Earl Sweatshirt was fucking good. Him and his DJ (one of the other OF guys) were really funny. He was almost like a stand up comedian who did a few songs.

Chance killed it. Considering Acid Rap has been on heavy rotation since it dropped I felt like this was one of those times in my life I've seen someone when I really really love them and their current body of work. I'll remember his performance forever.

This is odd isn't it. A friend jokingly told me not to catch anything before I went away to the festival and it caught me out. the idea of having sex at a festival seems odd to me. I pay over the odds to go see live music, I don't want to bomb a stranger and catch something. Or ideally get tested. Another time.

We got wet and pissed as day 1 wore on.

This guy had fell asleep on his mates back hahaha. This was in the 'Future' tent as Krept and Konan shut it down. I didn't quite realise how big 'Don't Waste My Time' is.

The whole filming acts thing is going a bit far now isn't it. Someone brought an ipad along to film a show.

Blokes pretending to gang rape their other friends as Friday wore on. People were getting drunk and showing off now.

Headliner Drake cancelled (much to our annoyance) so Friday was a bit of a write off. We decided early that we weren't going to stick around for Rudimentals (now 2 hour headline) set, we were going to go and watch Columbia vs Brazil in the hotel.

So we got pissed all day and finished our night at Knife Party, opening moshpits up and taking the piss out of people who were pure into it. Grabbing peoples heads just before tunes dropped and shouting 'COME ON!!!!' in their faces. One guy from Newcastle said that me and Tom were 'absolutely mad for it!' We weren't, but the oscar would have gone to us.

Day 2 Started with Salt and Pepper on the main stage. My mum would have loved life.

J Cole killed it as per, very very good live.

We saw Sean Paul too! He did loads of pure bashy renditions of his old bangers and load of new shit songs. It was cool though, such a good party.

Outkast were sick, they were so funny and silly. I forgot how much I liked their music, I've been really listening to them since I got back. Considering I read a bad review of their performance at Coachella they were sick, like true veterans of the game.

Bruno Mars was insane. From when I've seen bits of him live on X Factor and shit like that it's obvious he is a born performer and jesus, he put on a crazy show. He was shredding on the guitar at one point, dancing, everything. His band were so cool and likeable too, they just put on such a good show. I was thinking I probably wouldn't have bought a ticket to his show before so to see him in an environment like this was perfect. I'd see him again.

We got back to the hotel, put our feet under a cold shower and sat in our boxers and ate these yoghurts. That's not gay in anyway, it's luxury. Sat on the bathroom floor of a Travelodge eating new Dairy Milk yoghurts whilst showering your feet. Shut up.

Luxury.

The cola one was better incase you were wondering.

Sunday! The last day! I got handed this on entry. Kanye West was about so some guys come out to hand out leaflets about the illuminati. How much weed do you think they smoke between them?

This ginger girl had a sunburnt parting and ginger roots showing through her dyed hair. Is there anything more offensive to look at than this?

Do you lot know who John Newman is? He is the most unlikable person I was in the presence of all weekend. Any fat loser who can sing that they've slicked back his hair and popped in a cream suit and put on stage. He was rancid. He kept doing these mental dance-moves that were like James Brown going into a ket hole. It was horrible to watch. 

This is me, with Iggy Azaela and her massive fucking thighs. It was great, when she come out we happened to be stood in a big group of lads. I felt 15 again. Every little subtle movement and hip role had us all like the love heart eyed emoji. Her fucking arse is a work of art.

This day we got down to the main stage at like 2pm and were just waiting it out for Kanye, trying to get as close to the front as possible. Everyone else had a similar idea and by the time Tinie Tempah finished his set one girl took it upon herself to piss in the middle of the crowd. Chinese whispers spread, have a look at these guys faces hahaha

Pharrell put on an amazing show considering his new album was pretty vanilla. He did a lengthy Neptunes medley with like Hot In Here by Nelly and Holla Back Girl and stuff, then some old NERD songs. He invited loads of people on stage with him to dance to Lapdance. He killed it. 

We were seeeeeriously close to the front by now. It was so weird, he was so unassuming and genuine. Seemed like a cool guy.

Kanye came out. Kanye West. He was no more than 10 metres away from us. He wore his mask at first, then it came off after a few songs. His set was wicked, he did something off every album. Loads of fun sing alongs. He did Heartless and was pure smiley as he got the whole park to sing along to the chorus over and over again.

The whole 'Boo'd off stage during a rant' thing in London was bollocks. Whenever he does Runaway he breaks it down and kind of does a speech about how this moment right now needs to be lived to the fullest and remembered. That was all it was, he was saying he has gave a similar speech everytime he has performed that song for the last few years and he is sure everyone in London had a great time. If you look for Youtube videos of this 'rant' he is giving them the same monologue he gave us and there are a few dickheads asking for him to shut up and do Golddigger, nothing more.

He did All Falls Down and it was seriously the happiest moment I can remember. I was completely jubilant, I literally felt so overwhelmed by it. That song has been one of my favourite songs for about ten years and to be there with Tom, someone who loves Kanye as much as me and watch him perform it was incredible. He did Good Life too and it was such a great way to finish our weekend. Everyone in the park singing along to T Pains bits 'And now my grandmamaaaa aint the only girl calling me craaaaaazyyyyyy' It was just perfect. It topped off a pretty fucking special weekend.

My right side was completely sunburnt from standing in the same spot all day hahaha talk about tan lines!

All in all I had a great time. It wasn't much of a festival experience at all. It felt like spending the whole day at a carnival for three days more than a festival sort of atmosphere. It seemed after the stunt Drake pulled most people only had day tickets, but still, the line up was incredible, the people were sound and it was well run and if the line up is anything like what it was this year, i'll be looking forward to going again next year.