TENERIFE WITH TOM

Hello!!! I went away last week to sunny Tenerife with Tom. It was pretty good, here is what we got upto!

We made this sandcastle. Lol joke, some tramp guy did. There were loads up and down the beach, this was the best one.

Beach towel season. You into that or what?

Beer was €0.95 out there. Almost everywhere. I paid €2.30 for this bottle of water and €3.20 for a can of coke. Never been so gutted not to be a beer drinker in my life.

These African blokes were everywhere selling fake watches, sunglasses and occasionally wooden horses. The greatest and most elegant of all the holiday impulse buys, ornamental wooden horses.

The view from our balcony was pretty good. You could see riiiiight to the other beach which was a couple of miles away, and the mountains on the right.

I fucked it badly man. I got really sunburnt thighs. They were so so dry and swollen. They blistered up after a few days.

I read this while I was away. I don't know if you know but years after OJ Simpson was found not guilty of the murder of his ex Wife Nicole and her friend Ron Goldman he wrote a 'hypothetical' confessional called 'If I Did It' (The 'If' cleverly greyed out on the front cover) detailing his relationship with his wife, what happened on the night of the murder, the aftermath, everything.

Controversially it was ultimately published by the families of the deceased after a lengthy courtroom battle to try and stop the publishing. Seriously, it was completely gripping and fascinating. It had a foreword from the guy who ghost wrote it talking about how OJ would correct little (seemingly) irrelevant details from the fateful night, clearly illustrating those events actually took place and were not so hypothetical at all. I've never read a book like it, I sat up and read nearly all of it in one sitting one night, it was a real page turner, if you are into true crime I cannot recommend it highly enough.

We bought a volleyball to pump around on the beach and in the sea. It fucking ripped after one day. Dogshit. I ceremoniously popped it on our second day. It was holding us back.

These two were wearing the same outfits. Shit photo, but it looked funny, like the woman was doing a sarcastic dress rehearsal impression of him.

Tom enjoying a lovely paella from some tapas place we went to. I say lovely, I can't stand seafood.

I had this grilled chicken with some really nice meatballs. It was so blackened and delicious.

Pedro with a not-so-catchy hashtag on the side of a water bottle.

Chill Out! We never went in but every time we walked past we told the waiter to CHILL OUT! in a really sarcastic tone. I think he hated our guts, but just CHILL OOOUT

Some showerman business Italian place. This pizza was absolutely insane, covered in bacon and peppers. The waitress was saying their steaks were great and given the grade of this dinner we decided to go back later in the week.

Another sexy beach towel. I was I saw this piece of shit first.

We went on some boat trip to look at some whales. I've never been so underwhelmed by animals ever, but the actual boat was fun, we got to jump off it into the sea and swim and whatever. It was a pretty sick day.

Tom is actually a pro driver, it was mad. People were clapping him as he dived in off the boat hahaha. This little kid was 8 years old and doing backflips. His brother said he could do corkscrews too.

I asked his dad where he learnt it and his dad said he didn't know. Then his mum let slip that he does flips all the time as 'splash kids' or something. Obviously goes to a diving class or something, his form with the backflip was perfect. His dad was a lying dick, trying to act like his son had just magically acquired this perfect form and athleticism out of nowhere.

This was the fucking spot. Every night we went to this place to chill. They had 42 different flavours, I think I tried like 8/9 as the week wore on. It was open late every night so after dinner we would go get an Ice cream and hit the free wifi haha.

Me boxing off a quick strawberry cheesecake one. Other highlights included Oreo, Bubblegum, Ferrero Roche, all them sort of styles there

This was in a little park across from our hotel, with our second ball we bought (far better than that piece of shit from earlier in the post).

Both days we went for a knockabout in the park a kid of 8 years old started joining in playing with us. We joked about setting up an under 8's team. This kid Serg was a bit skilful and had a couple of tricks where as Madil (pictured) was really good at passing and receiving the ball haha. It was odd how much better than 8 year old English kids they were.

That ice cream parlour taking it back to 1924

I tried to make to movie happen again with this chicken from some other place, it just wasn't up to scratch. It was nice, but nothing on how good that other chicken was. We ate out literally every night haha

YUNG WOP ON A SHO ONE

The police were kind of sick you know. They bomb up and down the seafront on these things hahaha. Armed and everything

This guy was a Magician and on multiple occasions when we were having a drink or food at a place he would pop up and perform a few really basic tricks for change. They got so exhausting and boring by the end of the week. Watching the people who were seeing it for the first time be enthusiastic. Imagine how the waiters must feel if I was bored of it after a week, poor fuckers.

This guy was the biggest twat I saw all week. When we were at that Tapas place with the good chicken he was at the Italian place with the Bacon pizza (same place we are at here) and one of those African come over to sell him a watch. All week we had just been politely saying no and they fuck off. This guy made such a scene, through his chair backwards onto the ground and stood up in the guys face and told him to fuck off. The african didn't flinch an inch and I guess it startled this guy a bit, he obviously didn't have the bollocks or the intension to hit the guy, despite what he wanted everyone around him to think.

During our second dinner in his wonderful company he did his best to ruin it with his loud, broad southern accent gobbing on about the education system and belittling his parents. He reeled off a story about how the jetski instructor asked if he was proffesional in almost identical vain to the IT technician in the Office. Absolute top prick.

The dinner was bang on though, this was our final meal, when we took that lovely waitress up on her offer of the steaks. It might have been the most delicious steak I had ever had. They brought another table over for us haha, we were eating big.

Little treat we laid on for everyone else in the hotel as we left.

Some granddad going on overly shower faced in the Ed Hardy drop when we touched down at Birmingham.

This was funny. We sat waiting for Toms Dad to come and pick us up and watched people struggling with this trolley machine. You put a quid in, one of the trolley lanes lights up meaning the front trolley in that lane has been unlocked and you can wheel it off. People couldn't grasp it, and as we tried to help them they didn't say thanks after so we fucked it off and watched people struggle and get frustrated and put money in and try and drag locked trollies off for about half an hour.

That was it! We didnt really booze much because there wasn't much boozing to be dine, there were literally no bars. We just spent every day playing football, chilling on the beach and eating in nice restaurants. It was pretty fucking sweet all in all.