Tuesday, 14 May 2013

CRAP THINGS THAT ARE CURRENTLY CONCERNING ME

Yo, I'm back from Portugal, it was lovely, I'll be posting up some pictures in the next couple of days. While I was there I had an idea for a new regular feature, 'crap things that are currently concerning me'. Long-time wickedlanders will remember Wasteman of the Week where week on week I used to name and shame a public figure, explaining why they were so shit. It was a popular feature that I used to get a lot of feedback from. In a similar light, I wanna put these posts together as regular as possible because too much stuff gets away with being absolutely dog shit. The people have come to accept mediocrity. Please feel free to drop me a tweet or a line on facebook and suggest stuff that needs discussing.

SNOOPIFY APP

Ok, so anybody who uses Instagram will be up on this as it's been a fucking cancer on there for the last couple of weeks. I've seen bits and bobs on facebook and twitter too. The long and short of it is basically an app where you use Snoop Dogg themed cartoon pictures and items to 'snoopify' a photograph. Relatively harmless and sure, fun. There is a line though isn't there? As with anything potentially fun, humans get hold of it and crush every ounce of amusement out of it by over using it. Seriously, every other photo on my Instagram feed is a post of one of these pictures. Do people honestly find this shit amusing? Does that make microsoft clip art good then? Because that's effectively what it is. I'm bored fucking sick of seeing pictures of peoples friends wearing du-rags and sunglasses with 'what it do nephew?' next to their fucking heads. Can everyone stop being into such rubbish things please?


SELFIES

How have these become acceptable? I think it started with Tumblr or whatever, and this certain style of staring into the camera with a really meaningful serious face was born. Fast forward a couple years and it's a fucking epidemic. Not only are girls using it to fully lie about how they look and spending hours getting dolled up and ready to capture that one good shot, it has translated and certain mandem are doing this too. If you are male and sit around taking pictures of yourself, seriously go fuck yourself. Stop being such a moist wet cunt and think of what you are fucking doing. fix up. Also, the girls and boys who do this seem to think that by crediting it as a 'selfie' then that makes it ok to do. Like as if by admitting what it is and giving it that stamp it makes it ok to do. What a shameless, horribly vain thing to do, how can they not be bothered about how that makes them come across? Like have you not got better things to do than sit there trying to look fit? Read a fucking book you shell. Learn something. Get better at something. Also, I'm sick of girls using the low-res camera of the front of an iphone and dimly lit conditions to create a sort of blurry photo that makes them look better than they are. Its a transparent trick, we all know what you are doing so it's pointless. If you've got a minute look into the science behind black and white portraits and soft focus portraits, it's exactly the same thing. The premise is simple; include less visual data so the beholders brain basically fills in the gaps with what they want to see. what they think is pleasant, there by making you more attractive to them. Human's have reached a disgusting cretinous age.


FACEBOOK

Can we give up on it yet? Do we still need it? Aside from group messaging to sort out shit like barbecues or holidays and photo albums, it's pretty useless isn't it? Nightclub promoters have taken the very idea of a notification and turned it into something to be feared and anxious about receiving rather than an exciting notice that somebody is thinking of you. It's a fucking write off isn't it? My feed these days is a collection of videos and memes posted by thick idiots with shit senses of humour who are usually late on things, club nights I know exist and still majestically don't want to go to (despite being told 5 times in a week that a bog standard night is going on yet again this week) and shameless self promotion. I'm guilty of the last action as that's all facebook is to me these days, a place for me to post my blog and occasionally my music. It fully fucked it with all the little changes in 2011 and 2012. Like which fucking genius thought of making a little feed where everyone can see everything you do all the time? did they seriously think that would be a good idea? So, so mental. It's also a shame that young parents have turned it into a database for photos of their kids. Are the days of physical photo albums gone? Will humans ever have that sensation of not seeing a photo of loved ones for years ever again or has that been killed by facebook albums and camera rolls? Like I love getting old pictures out and being blown away by how much the subjects have changed since the pictures were taken. If you are staring at the same pictures over and over again this sensation will be numbed.


HAYFEVER

seriously fuck this shit. Fuck this shit with a huge strong black dick. How is it still around? How have humans not evolved past this? I feel so glad that not all people are sufferers, because take it from me as a sufferer, it is fucking horrible. Its like the feeling of starting to get a cold times multiplied by the split second right before you sneeze. It's horrible and personally, this year mine is back with a fucking vengeance. It seems like pills and other medicines are a temporary fix but nothing can hold it off. It's fucking strooong and ignant as fuck. It doesn't care. This year mine is laughing at Piriteze. Sticking fingers up at Claritin. Point is this; when are we going to invent something that actually combats this shit and is effective? It's a bit of a geeky thing to have. A lot of scientists are typically 'geeky'. Are a couple of those laboratory dwelling, hayfever suffering goons gonna come through and make a break through? I can't understand why myself and a bunch of my peers just have to put up with it.


COKE BOTTLES WITH NAMES ON

Hey no way! Coca Cola's marketing team have done something cool! Let's all start doing what everyone else is doing and post pictures of them on the internet again! I think my problem is not with Coke printing these bottles, its a harmless fun idea, but I feel this has really highlighted how brainless people are. So fucking what if a bottle has your name on it. If you told me that I would believe you, I don't need to see it. Fuck, when I walked into a shop and saw a shelf of assorted names on coke bottles, I'd believe that your name was in there somewhere. What is the point in posting a picture up of one? What is the point of notifying people that they have done your name too and you got one? Is that good? Is that something you think is worthy of everyone seeing? I'll find a clip of Stevie Wonder live performing some of the most beautiful music ever written and share it with my peers. Art. Timeless amazing art. It's a shame it lands in a fucking cesspool of this shit. Its a shame we live in a culture where a lot of people feel the need to post things online everyday, regardless of what it is. A culture where people don't think before they waste everybody's time showing them something very, very average. Remember when you were a kid and a character on a TV show would have your name? You fucking lost you shit. You were so excited. Do you remember growing out of that? Me too.



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